Pure Energy

It's noon on a Wednesday, and I am standing in my kitchen, pouring my second cup of coffee.  Somebody got a late start to the day.  But I needed it.  I'm tired.  I'm a single mom.  I deserve to sleep in and be lazy and dick around on the internet for a few hours.

Right?

This is my struggle and dilemma every day that I wake up.  To be lazy or not to be lazy.  I am in the greatest fight of my life, and I am fighting against myself.

And I never win.

And it makes me sad every day.  And I fight it every day.  And I hate it every day.  And the worst part is that I feel like there is nothing that I can do about it.

Except keep fighting.

While I'm standing at my counter pouring my coffee today, I happened to glance out the window and see a man walking down the street.  I see hundreds of people go up and down this street every day, and generally think not much of them.

But this man was extraordinary.

First cane, then foot step, then other foot to meet the next, this man was moving along 6 inches for every two steps he took.  But he kept inching along.  And after two minutes, he had made it a third of the way down the block to the corner.

He paused here, but only to ask a man for directions.  From the man's gestures, it looked as though he was getting directions to the bus stop 3 blocks away.

3 blocks.  At the pace he was going, it would take him nearly 20 minutes to get there. 

But off he went.  Where to, I do not know, but off he went.  Determined, steady, and resolute.  And seemingly without an ounce of hesitation.

I am a healthy, young woman with strong legs and no cane, and sometimes I can't even bring myself to cross the room to answer the phone.  I sometimes don't have the "energy" to take the garbage out, or hang my jacket up, or cook lunch, or go for a walk on a beautiful day.

Watching this man today, I realized that "energy" is much more of an emotion than it is anything else.  It is more about will-power and determination and want and need.  It is something that is created, and not something that I am born with.

Watching this man today, I found a place in my heart that I never knew existed.  Like the shop nestled inbetween all the other shops, that has been around for years, yet you only discovered today.

I found my emotional energy today, and that is something that I have been searching for a long time.