This must be how Andrea Zuckerman felt.

I'm not proud to admit this, but on this Tuesday night, I'm picking my zits, lubing my stretch marks and watching 90210. Not totally awesome re-runs of 90210, but the new, ridiculous 90210.

There are a few signs that I am (perhaps) too old for this. First of all, I am more attracted to the teacher (who, supposedly, is still 5 years younger than me). It's not that I feel like a pedophile when I look at the young boys, it's that I do not get it. I like to think that I have decent taste in men (this could be argued, but suck it), and I just do not see at all what is attractive about these boys. This makes me feel old.

What else makes me feel old? That when they have sex, I'm thinking, aren't they a little too young to be doing that? Yeah. And, it doesn't make me sick when the parents get all touchy-feely. It used to make me physically ill when Brenda and Brandon's parents were even in the same room (not necessarily because they were old, but because they were gross).

90210 was always showcasing the hottest groups around (are there even "groups" anymore, or just "bands"? See. That made me feel old.) I remember when Color Me Bad was on. Oh. My. God. I loved them. (Loved them) I waited all week for them to be on. It was a pivotal point in my adolescence. And now I have no idea who the bands are. Not a freaking clue. There are several things about this that make me feel old (mainly the Color Me Bad fandom...)

So I guess the question is, why do I watch it? Well, because it's 9021-freakin-0.

Stuck.

It's so funny how I can go from being so motivated to so shut off. I was super stoked when I was fired, because I thought, here's my chance to do something huge, here's my chance to do something different. And you know what I did? I went to the gym. Once. Watch out for me.

This bitch needs a job, and I need one fast. It's ridiculous that I sit here with all the time in the world, and no money to go out and do anything. Actually, it's not ridiculous; it's mean. I was about to go to Ikea today, you know, just to look around... But I caught myself. I know that old trick! I tell myself. I know that you are just using that as an excuse to get out of the house. Well, I've caught on to me...

My flirtation with spending as a cure for boredom is getting a cease and desist order. I have a new plan. Actually, I have a list. A list of all the things that need to get done around the house that I have been putting off for a long time, such as planting bulbs, and touching up paint, and sweeping under the couches. Some of these tasks cost money (hooray!), but for the most part they are free. Now it's just a matter of actually wanting to do them.

The point is that if I am going to redefine myself and use this time off wisely (argh, I blame my mother for my sense of restlessness), then I need to do things that do not require a plastic card with a high interest rate and no spending limit. Except, I'm going to need paint, and rocks for the landscaping project, and a garden weasel, and some shelves for downstairs...

Look. I never said I was perfect.

Let's start at the beginning.

You know when the writer always says, "This was the moment that changed everything"? Well, this is that moment. I'm sorry to throw it in so quickly and so early, but it just had to be done, because it just happened.

I know I should be sad, I know I should be stressed, and I know I should be freaking the fuck out right now, and believe me, I am. But not nearly as much as I thought I would be. I think I'm still just a little numb. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel more. For right now, I feel a little grateful.

So I got fired and I feel grateful. What the fuck? Sometimes you need a little kick in the ass to get it in gear. I was on the phone with my sister today, and I was telling her how boring my life was. That I was stuck in this horrific merry-go-round of the same ol' shit, day in and day out. That I couldn't bring myself to make coffee in the morning, because I swear to God that I had just done it yesterday morning and the morning before that and the morning before that. So I said I was bored, and the Universe listened, and here is my excitement.

So what am I going to do? I have no idea. But I know that I don't want to do what I have been doing. I don't want to keep dicking around and not doing something that makes me happy. I want to be a writer, so here I sit writing. I've got to start somewhere, so here is the beginning. As scared and as pissed as I am, here I sit writing, grateful.

Welcome to the beginning.